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I sit here in bed, with my daughter asleep next to me. I watch to be sure she is still breathing. I am afraid to go to sleep, afraid if I do, my daughter will stop breathing, and I will wake to a living nightmare.
My daughter who is very healthy and very rarely sick, has been sick for 9 days now. She started with a fever, which turned into a nasty cough. After a trip to the doctor a couple days ago, my mommy radar set in, and I wasn’t happy with the diagnosis. I followed my instincts and took her back to the doctor yesterday, to find out she has pneumonia. They started her on a string of meds, and a re-check at the doctor today.
After finally getting home after the doctor, baseball practice for my son, a quick stop at one of my accounts to finish an urgent matter, and getting dinner made, I finally sit down to relax and get a little work done. My daughter shows me her arms and legs, she has broken out in a nasty itchy rash. I call the after hours advice line and learn the course of action. She is probably having a reaction to the antibiotics. I put her in a bath with baking soda, and rush to the local market to get Benadryl. It seems the medicine is working, and she is now asleep next to me.
If you are a parent, you know what’s it’s like to be worried about your sick child. If you are a grieving widow, you don’t think logically sometimes. I have replayed Willy’s sickness in my head a thousand times since he died. I have played the "What if" game for hours. What if we had gone to the doctor sooner? What if we had flown him to a specialist on the mainland? What if….what if…what if. So, I sit here thinking….what if my daughter doesn’t really have pneumonia, but a weird form of cancer like Willy? What if the antibiotics don’t work? What if she stops breathing in the night while I’m sleeping? So, I sit here watching her sleep.
I am overwhelmed with the burden and stress on my shoulders. It’s times like these, that I feel so alone. Yes, I have friends that support me, and are a text away to give me advice. But, they can’t sit in this bed with me all night watching my daughter sleep. They can’t understand the insanity that is going on in my head….the "what if" game. In times like this when Willy was still alive, I had someone to share the worry with. Someone to take a "watch" over our sick child. But, when it’s only you, the stress can seem so unbearable.
I find myself holding my breath. Breathe!
I am now so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I pray and ask God to protect my little princess. I will try to get some sleep. And in the morning, I will do what I have to do.